Rodney Dangerfield (November 22, 1921 – October 5, 2004), born Jacob Cohen, was an American comedian and actor, best known for the catchphrase "I don't get no respect" and his monologues on that theme. Below are the few of them:
- I don't get no respect!!!
- His signature line.
- I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous— everyone hasn't met me yet.
- I found there was only one way to look thin. Hang out with fat people.
- I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Are you kiddin'? I know I'm ugly. My mother breast-fed me through a straw.
- A girl called me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
- I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
- You know my Doctor, Doctor Vinny BoomBots... I called and told him I had a bad case of diarrhea. - He put me on hold!
- During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
- I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
- I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
- I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.
- I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
- I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
- I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
- It's not easy being me. When I was born the doctor told my mother, "I did all I could, but he pulled through anyway."
- My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
- My uncle's dying wish: he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
- My wife is ugly. She's so ugly that when you look up ugly in the dictionary, there's her picture.
- My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
- The other night I told my kid "Someday, you'll have children of your own." He said "So will you."
- When I was a kid, I asked my Mother for a Bubble Bath, so she brought the water to a boil!
- Every time I get into an elevator, the operator says the same thing: 'Basement?'
- (Describing his son-in-law's family) The family's so ugly, in the photo album, they keep the negatives!
- Epitaph on his tombstone:
- "There goes the neighborhood."
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